Thursday, February 12, 2015

7 things I wish I knew before marriage

1) Marriage Is the Final Frontier

Most of the things I've learned (below) apply to both cohabitation and marriage, except this one: getting married really is different than living together unmarried even for many years . It's not just the many legal and financial benefits of marriage though. There's a psychological difference.

My husband and I lived together for several years before getting engaged, and dated several years before that, so it's not like there was much to adjust to after getting married. But maybe it's the months of preparing for a wedding (and investing thousands in it) or the knowledge of how difficult (and also expensive) divorce can be that makes the commitment more ironclad, for both you and those around you. This is it. As soon as the wedding vows are exchanged, you're on a different, accelerated life path. Before, you were being nagged about when you were going to get married. Now friends and family will be asking when you're going to have a baby (a life changer on its own). Once you have that baby, you'll be asked when you're going to give the kid a brother or sister. Everyone's in such a hurry.


Even if you're really ready for marriage and can picture the entire rest of your lives together, it's normal to wake up some days and think, "Holy shit, I'm married forever and ever??" Everyone knows marriage is a big commitment, of course. But even when getting married is a natural step in your happy relationship, years later when you're more appreciative of the decades you have ahead of yourselves, you can be floored by how extraordinary it is to commit the remainder of your life to one person.

2) You're Not Just Marrying Your Partner, You're Marrying His or Her Family Too

You know the saying "We're not losing a daughter, we're gaining a son-in-law"? Well, it works in the reverse too: You're inheriting the obligations, stresses, and, yes, benefits, of a whole new family. You might get along superbly with your significant other's family now, but once you're married they could transform into the in-laws from hell, because now you're cemented to your partner and they claim you as one of their own.

I'm the quiet sort of person who needs her space, but my husband's family is full of extroverts who don't really understand that perspective. That's caused a lot more grief over the years than it should have (I wish we had this article back then), but I'm lucky that my husband understands me and mediate when necessary. Others aren't so lucky. I've seen couples on the brink of divorce over in-law issues rather than problems specifically between the couples themselves. So my advice would be for both sides to imagine each other's family at their worst and how you two might handle any issues before they got bigger than the both of you. And, to be fair, know that bonding with your partner's family at a deeper level and becoming the daughter/son/sister/brother they always wanted is another surprising perk of marriage.

3)Say Goodbye to Taboos

There's a scene in This Is 40 where Paul Rudd's character forces his on screen wife Leslie Mann to inspect his naked bottom for haemorrhoids. It might not be as extreme as that for all couples, but after being married for some time the raw and crude things are no longer, well, raw or crude. In fact, they're like curiosities and, sometimes, obligations.

You might ask or be asked to evaluate nose hair or pull off a blackened fingernail things you would never do or ask while dating because now you two are one and almost nothing is embarrassing anymore. It's nice to always have someone there to tell you if you have broccoli between your teeth and not feel judged by it.

4)The Little Things Matter a Whole Lot More

I used to think that the best test of whether you could live with someone else forever is to ask yourself if you could put up with his or her biggest flaw or the worst version of this person for the rest of your life. I still think that's a good exercise, since people become more themselves as they age their desires, strengths, and flaws get sharper. If your partner is somewhat of a curmudgeon now, he or she will probably only become crankier and more stubborn as the years go by. Conversely, the best things you love about a person could hold you steady through the inevitable tough times.

But now I think that it's the little things you have to look for, because in the day-in/day-out of marriage, the little things add up. Little annoyances like a nail biting habit or leaving filled water glasses everywhere are really easy to overlook during a relationship when the bigger things the way your partner makes you laugh or how beautiful you feel around him or her attract your attention more. When we're "in love" we tend not to notice the small things that could drive you crazy months later, like hanging the toilet paper the wrong way.

On the flip side, it's also the small acts of everyday kindness, respect and love that keep a marriage going. Romantic gestures like buying flowers or a surprise date out are great, but they don't hold a candle to mundane things like un clogging a drain or taking over child-bathing duty. Doing chores becomes sexy in a way you would never imagine.

5)You Both Have to Change to Make the Marriage Work
The old adage that you can't change someone by marrying them still holds true. You shouldn't fall prey to "fixer-upper bias", and you probably don't want anyone to change you either. The truth is you're probably both going to have to change or adapt, as a choice, to keep the energy and love alive.

The two biggest things are learning how to fight more productively and how to communicate in ways that might not be natural to you but make more sense to the other person. Gary Chapman, who literally wrote the book on what people should know before they get married, says that people have different "love languages" or ways they express and receive love best. I'm not naturally a "toucher", but I am learning how significant just holding hands can be. It can take a long time to learn what your partner's silences mean (and don't mean), that grudges can kill a relationship, and how to adapt to the ups and downs that life is going to throw at you both.

I think every couple should go through at least one really tough time together before they get married, just to see how the other person handles such things.

6) There's No Just You Anymore
Paul Reiser in Couplehood explains it pretty well:

The problem is, when two people live together, there is no more Business of Your Own. Your Own Business is closed. You've merged and gone public. You have to run everything by the partners. And if there are too many conflicts of interest, the business may go under, freeing the partners to once again open up smaller concerns by themselves.
Like all businesses, couples engage in endless meetings to discuss areas of management concern and division of labour.
"You know, we really should call the post office and tell them to hold our mail while we're away."
"We? You mean me, don't you?"
"No, I mean we. I didn't say 'you.' I said 'we.' You or me."
"Oh really? Are you ever going to call the post office?"
A moment to think. "No."
"Then you mean 'me,' don't you?"
"Yeah."
Being part of a permanent team has its benefits. You come to rely on the other person to remember and take care of certain information (Psychologists call this transactive memory). I don't have to worry about making plans with our friends or not getting lost when driving, and he doesn't have to worry about the bills or after-school activities. (Also, I wish I had known at the start that there were some things he'll willingly do that I just assumed he hated, because I hate them: things like grocery shopping and getting rid of telemarketers. I would've had him do those things sooner.)

On the other hand, now you have to put the marriage above everything else, and might even forget what you were like when you were single and "free". It's not a bad thing, necessarily. It's just a lot of responsibility, being responsible to someone else.

7) It's a Constant Work in Progress
You might think once you've finally settled down you can relax and live happily ever after, but nothing can be farther from the truth. The years jumble together, and if you're not careful you'll easily take the marriage for granted. I didn't know it over the years, but I think the thing that's made the most difference for my marriage is our regular holidays and other traditions — things that force us to take stock again in our relationship and reconnect on a deep level. Just "being in love" isn't enough to make a marriage work.

Even after decades of living together, you'll be learning things about your partner, bit by bit, that might surprise you — or they'll suddenly change or have different priorities and needs ("Really, you want to become a scuba diver now?" and "How come you never told me you don't like olives?"). It's like a dance, and you both have to keep up with each other. But what a beautiful dance it can be.

Culled from http://www.lifehacker.com.au/2013/10/7-things-i-wish-i-had-known-before-getting-married/


Photo credits : http://www.ladybrillenigeria.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Obiora-Obiwon.jpg

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by Easyblaze

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Phone snooping, Right or Wrong?

Someone once said, "A woman investigating a man can do a better job than FBI agents."
Phone Snooping! What the heck does that mean? To check or investigate your spouse phone in an attempt to find out something especially information about someone private affairs.

By the way, different theorist with different views on phone snooping. Some are against it; some are fully/partially in support

Mind you, this issue has broken marriages, destroyed relationships, sown distrust and lots more. Needless to say the emotional, psychological and physical damages.

Recently I was at a lounge in Abeokuta with my friend Tunde. Abeokuta is the capital of Ogun state For Your Information . We were having this conversation about the forthcoming election with so much enthusiasm. Along the line, Tunde paused from the election talk to inform me that he was expecting some money in my account in which he stated the amount and asked if I have been notified by the bank.

Few minutes after that confession, the alert came in, I confirmed the transaction, notified my friend who checked and returned back my phone to me.


We continued with our discussion with our wine glasses and phones on the table. I forgot to mention to you earlier , there was this beautiful lady seated very close to me. Kemi should be in her early twenties; she appeared all dressed up in pink crop top and skinny jeans with her legs crossed. At first, she was forming diva, rolling her eyes and touching her hair at every slightest opportunity, later on, I guessed she found the dialogue interesting when she decided to chip in her own view about the election. "This election will be hot o" she said, with a sharp tone. Tunde and I stopped and looked at Kemi with disbelief on our faces. She looked at us casually and removed her face. She apologised for disrupting our chat which I did not mind anyway. We got talking and talking not until she felt so relaxed and comfortable that she grabbed my phone on the table and was snooping .

For God sake, we just met! Why is she snooping my phone? I couldn't even answer that question myself. After a minute, I asked what she was doing with my phone, to my utmost shock and disbelief, the words that emerge from her mouth were "I was just checking your messages Nah, or what are you hiding? She hissed playfully. She had the confidence to indulge into my privacy and still confirmed it. We exchanged phone numbers and left the lounge.


Some days later, we decided to hang out again but this time around Kemi came along with her friend Tola. We ordered for food and drinks and sat there for about two hours eating and chatting. When we got through with the food and our glasses of wine were about half gone. My dearest Kemi confidently took my phone again, Again? you must be wondering, Yes she was snooping with a sheepish smile.

What the heck is wrong with this lady!!! This babe will be clingy and never trust a man o. Those words rang, clear in my head. Regardless, I let her be, after all, she isn't my girlfriend or wife so I am quite convinced I owe her no explanation.

I began to wonder, is this the kind of lady, Any man would want to have something serious with? What if she was my girlfriend, fiancee or wife? I might have been dead and gone by now. Her frequent quarrels and nagging would have sent me to an early grave because every text message would either be a threat, a philandering, fornicating or adulterous act to her. Ok, back to the main meal.

I think the main reason why so many relationships come to an end today is not because a spouse is abusive or cheating alone . Somehow, it is because of the vicious conduct embedded in INSECURITY. No love or marriage relationship can grow or survive without trust. In reality, TRUST is a foundation on which a relationship is built. The moment the trust shatters, the relationship squash. If you don't trust a person, you can't even love him or her. It is important you give your spouse the benefit of doubt, watch them proof you wrong or right.

So people , let's roll;

Does your partner have a right to snoop your phone? Or would you allow your spouse snoop your phone?

What's the big deal really since we are suppose to be open to each other?

Does snooping through your spouse phone stop him/her from cheating?

I rest my case .

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by Easyblaze