It’s now more common for marriages to fail than
it is for them to last a lifetime. But we can still get married with the
confidence that we will enjoy the healthy, holy marriage God wants us to have
if we invest time before getting married into asking wise questions. Making
time to consider key questions will help us and our future spouse head in the
right direction: one that leads toward God’s purposes for both of you.
Here
are some crucial questions to ask before you get married:
Are
you willing to grow up? Your own maturity level, and that of your spouse, will
determine how well you all can work together in marriage and how likely you
all will be to stick with your relationship or give up on it. So each of you
needs to honestly assess your current spiritual, emotional, social, and
financial maturity by reflecting on issues such as how much self-control you
each have, how much you respect authority, how much you can say “no” to some
activities so you can say “yes” to
those that are best for you, how much peace versus drama you have in your relationships with others,
how often you keep your promises and follow through on commitments, whether or not
you have a job that pays your bills, and whether or not you’re in debt.
Are
you “equally yoked”? It’s never God’s will for you to be yoked (tied together)
in marriage with someone you are not connected with.
Have
you talked about money? We tend to overlook this vital part due to lack of
trust, insecurities or Fear of the Unknown. Disclose all of your financial
information to the person you’re considering marrying, and expect full
disclosure from him or her, too. Talk about how each of you plans to earn,
spend, save, give, and invest money if you get married, and why. If you
discover that one or both of you doesn’t currently have a healthy budget or
healthy money management attitudes or habits, get help and make changes before
getting married to save yourselves from having to go through tremendous stress
afterward. Money is good in Marriage.
Will
you tell the truth? You and your future spouse must tell each other the whole
truth about the romantic relationships that you’ve each had with other people
previously, regardless of how wild or mild they were. Share all of the details
with each other honestly, listen to each carefully. If we are meant to be,
there is a certain stage we have to let it all out. So we would not be caught
by surprises from the past. Though I agree we cannot remember most or all, but
we can begin revealing. This puts us in a more comfortable and confident
position.
Will
you commit? I must confess, women especially in Nigeria commit more than
Men. Marriage as God designed it requires a
lifetime commitment. So you and the person you are considering marrying should
face your fears about that and discuss issues such as how you plan to handle disagreements and crises that
may come up in your future marriage, such as illness and job loss. Determine
whether or not both of you are willing to trade the lives you have now for a new life together, and
whether or not you’re willing to eliminate the option of divorce and keep
turning to God for the strength to keep working on your marriage. Whatever the
case, Divorce should not be an option.
FOR BETTER FOR WORSE.
Are
you compatible? Realize that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that
person is a good match for you. Honestly evaluate which personality traits and personal habits you can live with for
many decades in a future marriage, and which will drive your marriage apart.
Let go of any person who isn’t truly compatible with you to save you both years
of heartache.
Have
you communicated your expectations? Discuss each of your expectations about
married life, such as where you’d live, where you’d go to church, when you’d
start trying to have children and how many children you want, and what types of
careers,businesses and work hours you each hope to have. Since surprising each
other after you’re married will cause lots of stress, it’s much better to talk
about your expectations beforehand and see if you can reach agreements before
committing to married life together.
Are
you ready to marry an entire family? Get to know each other’s family
backgrounds well, since each of you will carry over the attitudes and behaviours
that you learned growing up into the new family that you create together. We
cannot deny our in-laws. I do not know about other tribes in Nigeria, but in
Yoruba land, you are married to the entire family.
Pursue
healing for issues that concern either of you (such as anger management
problems or addictions) and end the dating relationship if you discover
character problems (such as a lack of integrity) that the person you’re
considering marrying isn’t willing to address.
Are
you willing to submit? Each of you must be willing to submit to Jesus in
obedience in your life together, to express honor and respect for Him. That
means mutually following Jesus’ example of loving service to others. Never try
to control each other, but instead choose to serve each other even when doing
so is difficult, just as Jesus served others when He was on Earth. Through this
process in your future marriage, God will help each of you become more like
Jesus.
Will
you give respect? You each must also be willing to respect each other even when
you don’t think that the other deserves that respect because God has made you
both and highly values you. By choosing to respect your future spouse when he
or she doesn’t deserve it, you can motivate your spouse to change and begin
acting in ways that are worthy of respect.
Are
you ready to love? Realize that love is an action, not just a feeling. Are you
prepared to continue in love towards
your future spouse, even at times when you don’t like his or her behaviour?
Some of the ways you’ll need to show your love include listening, protecting,
providing, and serving each other, no matter what. Try to talk less and LISTEN
more
Are
you ready to “get naked”? Understand that sexual intimacy within marriage
involves far more than just a physical connection; it also calls for a
spiritual, emotional, and conversational connection. How do you plan to build
the kind of relationship with each other that makes healthy and fulfilling
sexual intimacy possible in your future marriage? Discuss that openly and
honestly with each other.
Adapted
and Developed from 12 Questions to Ask before You Marry, copyright 2011 by
Clayton and Charie King.