Men are From Mars, Women from Venus

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus contains all the basic principles needed for healthy relationships, conveniently packaged with a very conversational style and peppered with many suggestions and illustrations.  While the book is quite informative and eminently practical, Gray seems to ignore our fundamentally selfish nature.  It seems a bit to simplistic to expect that merely giving each other what they want will undo years of misunderstanding, as his illustrations seem to imply. 

Similarly, however healing writing love letters (often not delivered) which describe your fears, pains, and reaffirm your love can be, it would be simplistic to assert that they will solve current or childhood hurts.  The topic of a solution is not discussed;  the release of the emotional energy appears to be solution enough for Gray.  However, there is so much worth remembering in the book, especially some of the practical applications, that simply cannot be absorbed on one reading.  Singles who are not dating will probably want to re-read this book at some point in the middle of their next relationship, and educators teaching sex-education would likely find Gray's material to be more needed than the current curriculum.

A bit too chatty and coloquial in style, but as I found myself at a loss to absorb all the useful information and the style does make the book easy to read, it falls only a little short of the highest marks.
Quotations
 

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways--the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.
A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.
When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone. ...  To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed... Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self.  Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

Not to be needed is slow death for a man.
A woman's tendency to be compulsive [in giving of herself] relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love--she doesn't have to earn it;  she can relax, give less, and receive more.  She deserves it.
When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.  [i.e. women need to not give too much, otherwise they will become emotionally tired.]

A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough of that he is incompetent.
Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.
It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.
To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalisations [i.e. don't take them literally]

The number one complain women have in relationships is "I don't feel HEARD."  Even this complaint is misunderstood by men!
The biggest challenge for women is to correctly interpret and support a man when he isn't talking. ...  When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst.
Never go into a man's cave or you will be burned by the dragon!
It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy.  He hates to be pitied.

A woman should not be judged for needing [reassurance that she is loved] just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw.
When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. ... A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy. ...

To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. ... The man grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back.
A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like a wave.  When she hits bottom it is a time for emotional house cleaning.  ...  When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.
Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset.  Men want space while women want understanding.  ...  By supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free.

Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.  Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman's primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved.
The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him.

Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and are apologising [while women use it to mean] "I care about what you are feeling".
Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds to him disapproving.
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings.
On Venus their motto is "Love is never having to ask!"

If a woman is not asking for support, a man assumes he is giving enough. READ THIS LINE again ....
When a man hears a demanding tone, no matter how politely you phrase your request, all he hears is that he is not giving enough.  His tendency is then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving. ...  When asking a man for support [e.g. doing something for you], assume that he doesn't have to be convinced.  ...  Men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.

When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give.
When a man grumbles it is a good sign--he is trying to consider your request versus his needs.
One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support.
It is a paradox:  because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface.  When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel.
Culled from Geoffrey Prewett